Why I used food & exercise to cope with my insecurities
Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that I was.
Seeking Control
Looking back however, I can now see that throughout my mid to late twenties, that was exactly what I was doing.
Go back further, and I can see that the anorexia that I suffered from in my late teens – again involving restricting food and massively over exercising – chronologically relates to a time in my life where I felt massively out of control.
I’ve talked at length about my struggles with anorexia – you can read about that here, if you so wish. Let’s park that for now.
Instead, let’s focus on my mid-late twenties – a time where, on the outside at least, to the majority of people – even those who knew me incredibly well, I was just a super healthy, ‘normal’ young woman.
After all, that’s exactly what I portrayed.
I exercised a lot – but to most, that was seen as impressive.
I ate extremely healthily – Monday-Friday at least – and that was seen as committed.
On the inside however, I was a mess.
Life seemed to be moving on – but it wasn’t taking me with it.
I’d recently moved to London, where I’d been working for the past year commuting from my hometown while I navigated the messy end to what I can now see was an emotionally abusive relationship.
Don’t get me wrong – I was incredibly relieved to be out of that. Thanks to six months back in my parents house being taken care of like a child again, I was ready to stand on my own two feet.
I was lucky
I had a good job in the capital – one I believed I’d gotten by sheer luck and being in the right place at the right time, rather than actual skill or ability (see the lack of confidence right there… are warning bells starting to ring yet?!).
I had a group of close friends from university, though they were all spread far and wide – plus, in the later stages of the aforementioned relationship I knew I’d been the very definition of flaky.
I moved into a great house share which I found by change on spareroom.co.uk, and the two strangers that I suddenly shared a bathroom with couldn’t have been more welcoming or kind to me, introducing me to their social circles and involving me in their lives. One of them is still one of my best friends today - we only stopped living together when I moved abroad.
But I still felt lost
Suddenly, my friends started buying houses, getting engaged, and then married, and then having babies. Don’t get me wrong – I was crazy happy for them. At that time, I didn’t even think I wanted children anyway – even so, their lives just felt so far removed from mine. You know that scene in Friends when Monica and Chandler have just got engaged and Rachel kisses Ross outside their door? She goes on to explain that she’s sad because she’s ‘not there yet…. Not even close’. Boy, did I know how Rachel felt.
I didn’t have a Ross in my past to hook up with, but I was doing my best to find my Chandler. Often involving getting blind drunk after work or at the weekends, it wasn’t a one off where I’d throw myself at some poor unsuspecting guy in the hope that he’d be ‘the one’. The next day I’d wake up, feeling like sh*t, embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.
Throw into the equation money – everyone’s favorite subject. Like I said – I was earning well; but I was also living in zone 2 in London, a City which consistently ranks in the top 5 or 10 most expensive places in the world to live. Stupidly, I’d agreed to let my ex boyfriend transfer a not insignificant sum of money from his credit card over to a new one in my name. Add that to a couple of holidays that I took and general lifestyle ‘keeping up with the Jones’ and suddenly I was in debt. Not crazy amounts – around £5000 – but enough to give me sleepless nights worrying about how I was going to pay it off. I was living pay check to pay check, and frequently found I had too much month left at the end of the money.
How did I cope?
Through my old friends, food and exercise.
Anyone who has ever suffered from an eating disorder or supported someone who has will know that it’s never about the food. There’s always something else going on.
For me, (not that I realised it then, of course) food and exercise were the two things that I could control, at a time in my life when everything else felt so out of control.
I liked having a busy schedule of runs, classes and swims – and keeping myself busy like that meant less time for wallowing in the loneliness. I might have indulged it on a hungover, rainy Sunday afternoon, but otherwise – it was not for me. I liked challenging my body, and the admiration I’d get from other people when I mentioned my schedule.
Controlling my food meant controlling my body. If I was thinner, surely I’d be happy? That was how it worked in my head at least.
I’m not saying I was back in the throws of an eating disorder, but I was certainly in the category of ‘disordered eating’.
So, what was the problem?
None of it was fun.
I wasn’t enjoying my workouts, my schedule or my food.
I was punishing myself, using these methods to the extreme to distract myself from what I truly wanted in my life.
I was abusing my body, and even more so my mind – terrified of what might happen if I skipped one workout (I always justified the food & the bingeing– after all, this would be the last time. After this I’d never be letting a cake pass my lips, ever again).
One the outside, I was a normal, healthy young woman – after all, on the surface at least compared to most people, even my own friends – my behavior wasn’t that out of the ordinary. Everyone got messy drunk once in a while. Several of my friends were fully paid up ClassPass advocates – so what was the problem?
Embarrassed, or unwilling?
I was miserable.
Perhaps I was unwilling to admit what it was I really wanted – and I was certainly embarrassed to show that I wasn’t getting it, not even anywhere close.
Not only did I not have the things I wanted - a loving secure, relationship, and financial stability - I’d also got an even bigger problem. I was binge eating on the reg and terrified of getting fat - convinced that if I skipped even one workout I would do just that.
Does it really matter? Put whatever label you like on it - I had a problem.
To this day, I’m still working on the realisation that to me, being happy and fulfilled does involve being in a loving relationship with a man – I adore my husband, don’t get me wrong – but it does feel a little unfeminist, doesn’t it? But could I honestly say I’d be super happy and content on my own? I don’t know. No relationship is better than a bad one - I know that first hand - but I love the security I get from being in a happy, loving & secure marriage which I am now privileged to have.
I’m more on board with the idea of being financially independent – ironic given that my husband is supporting me at the moment – but I’m working towards it. That’s just common sense, in my mind – plus I’m doing it for us, for our lives and our family. One of my goals is to be able to support him to be able to take a year or two out of work, giving him the time to explore his passions just as he has allowed me to with mine.
But yes – I can see it now, and be brave enough to admit that I used food and exercise to cope with the fact that I was lonely and broke. I’m betting I’m not the only one.
Poor me?
If this all sounds a bit ‘poor me’ – I get it. After all, I had (and still do have) so much going for me. White privilege. Thin privilege. A loving family. A parental home that to this day I know I could always return to, should the need arise. But struggles are struggles, and if they matter to you, or are affecting you, then they matter.
It can be easy to compare yourself to people online or in the news and think that your problems don’t matter because they aren’t ‘big enough’. I get it – I’ve had my tiny violin out for myself more times than you’ll know. If your reading this, my guess is you have at least your basics covered – you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge and cash to get to work when you need. It’s OK to want more. Especially when that involves sorting out your mental, and / or physical health.
Sound familiar?
Using dieting and / or exercise to cope with insecurity in your life isn’t uncommon. It may show up as 'emotional eating', becoming overly controlling of your food, ‘compulsive exercise' - or something else entirely. Everyone is unique.
Insecurity takes many forms, including but not limited to
· Romantic relationship
· Relationships with family / friends
· Children
· Finances
· Job
· Hobbies / interests
· Housing
· Security
· (or the lack of any of the above)
· Body image
If you are wondering if you’re taking dieting or exercise a little too far, and using it to cover up for something else that’s going on in your life, I’ve developed a free tool to help. It’s a dieting & wellness culture assessment - 15 simple questions to help you decide if dieting and or exercise is taking over your life. You can download it for free, right here.